How amazing it is to see the leaves change from their stoic and greens to boisterous golds and vibrant reds. This year the wind ripped the leaves from the trees before they had a chance to complete the cycle of color. It is sad, I watched the neighbors tree last year and the brilliant reds courted my writing through November. This year, there is none to see. So - I write with the scenery not bedecked in splendor but shivering from the loss of cover so early.
October moved both slowly and much to quickly - a routine mammogram found a mass that was 3.5 cm. The waiting in between knowing and scheduling for the next level - the ultrasound seemed to take years instead of weeks. Seeing the mass on the screen made it real and the wait began again. First the radiologist had to read it, then the report was sent to the VA. I waited - half wanting it to be cancer and signalling that there was going to be an end to my life - - - and half wanting it to be nothing and signalling the consciousness that it will go on in this mortal form.
I have courted death many, many times - both intentionally and by accident. My conclusion? If that place that is dark but not frightening, the place where there is no pain and the body has no weight still exists as it did when I was in my teens - I have nothing to be afraid of. But, I wonder - if at that time I was young enough not to have amassed a great deal of karmic debt - would that same darkness be as welcoming now that I have had over half a century of life behind me and many, many mistakes to be atoned? That is the great question, isn't it?
So for now, I will have to take up my life where it was left off in the beginning of October and plan, as all mere mortals do, the future......at least for now.
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